Assertiveness Helps Us To Be Happier As A Couple

Assertiveness is positive in our interpersonal relationships, but do we transfer this to the world of the couple? Sometimes not.

One of the best known situations is that of a couple who, at first, get on very well but whose relationship, over time, revolves around conflicts and constant arguments.

The big question is why has this happened to us?

Perhaps, you have stopped being assertive and this has caused the problems.

The role of assertiveness

Assertiveness is a skill that not all people have.

It’s about the ability to communicate what you want in a positive and proactive way, according to psychotherapist Joyce Martin.

It also means being clear, honest and direct, according to Dr. Martin.

Do you remember all those times when you say “yes” when you really want to say “no”? In this case, you are not being assertive.

From the beginning, it is necessary to communicate what we want and feel so that our partner knows what we think.

Let’s put a fairly common situation.

Let’s imagine that it bothers us that our partner puts their feet on the table. However, we have never told him because at first we could bear it.

We were in the idealization phase, in which we did not see the defects of the loved one and we allowed “everything” to him.

However, now that this stage has passed and we realize that we are not able to bear this situation continuing any longer.

By not having communicated it to our partner, she has never imagined that this could bother you.

In fact, you may find it difficult to correct the problem now, as you have “gotten used to” this attitude. You may not even understand that you are suddenly bothered by this.

What she does not know is that you have not been able to be assertive during all this time and that, therefore, you have not previously communicated what you did not support.

The result? Arguments, lack of understanding and great discomfort on the part of both members of the couple.

Assertiveness does not imply aggressiveness

Is it true that when they refuse to do you a favor or respond with a “no” to a request that you make with enthusiasm, you notice the response as aggressive?

This is because we have been educated to please the other, without expressing what we really want.

Clinical psychologist Randy Paterson, author of the Book of Assertiveness, explains that one stops being assertive to try to fit in better with others.

Nonetheless, Paterson recommends staying polite while being assertive at the same time.

However, assertiveness has nothing to do with aggressiveness. You simply stand firm for what you believe in.

You do not hurt the other person and there is no hostility whatsoever.

If your partner understands it, you need to talk and communicate openly in order to reach a mutual understanding.

Many of the relationship problems arise from a lack of communication and this also implies a lack of assertiveness.

What is the use of keeping quiet about what bothers us? Why are we not sincere with what we do not like?

Sooner or later we will end up exploding and our relationship will rain all the consequences.

Without assertiveness the relationship will not be satisfactory

It is clear that to maintain fulfilling and healthy relationships, assertiveness is an important element. But why are there more assertive people than others?

This depends on how careful your self-esteem is. The higher the self-esteem, the more assertive.

Paterson says that women can be less assertive in the relationship, because sometimes they are raised in a submissive environment.

The psychoanalyst also considers that men can be aggressive when imposing their ideas, which does not imply that they are assertive, but imposing.

Insecurity is a disastrous ally for couple relationships, as we will be susceptible to manipulation and authoritarianism.

You should not believe that in relationships everything must be “yes” and arguments do not have to be present. When it is discussed it is because there are different points of view, which is positive!

In a Relationship, communication should be encouraged and never keep something until, in the end, it ends up coming out in the form of a grudge.

It is better to express what we feel, even if we are afraid of how others will react.

What difference does it make? At the end of the day, what we think will end up coming out one way or another.

Only by being assertive will we be able to have happier relationships.

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