Being Nice Can Be A Problem When Choosing A Partner

Can being nice become a problem when choosing a partner? Perhaps we have never considered it, but the reality is that being nice can make our relationships more difficult than we think.

Although kindness is considered a good quality, when choosing a partner it can become a double-edged sword. Let’s see why.

The concern to look good

From a young age they teach us not to show our emotions, especially negative ones. If we are not well, if we are sad, if we are uncomfortable in a place … All this must be ignored. Because we have to look good.

This causes us to adopt that attitude for all areas of our life and that, when choosing a partner, we also want to look good. Being nice then becomes a priority.

The problem arises when we begin to be too kind and this causes a “fatigue” in the other person who cannot notice that we are trying to look good and begins to distrust.

It can also happen that the person who tries to meet us in order to go out with us does not like us. However, our concern to look good prevents us from making things clear to you from the beginning.

In this case, the situation is complicated. We will find ourselves uncomfortable because we do not want to meet that person for a possible relationship and, at the same time, we will feel bad that the other person is wasting their time.

The correct solution would be to be adequately assertive … something that we are not taught.

Be nice or assertive

Being nice or being assertive are not two options that have to be separated. You can be kind and assertive at the same time, however we believe that if we are assertive the other person may feel offended.

• However, when choosing a partner we do not want to waste time and we do not want to lose it with us.
• We can be equally kind to say “no” or to be clear with someone and express that we are not interested in starting a relationship.

We are very fortunate to have tools and social skills to effectively communicate what we want. Why don’t we say what we really feel? Why hide it?

Not saying what we feel or want causes, many times, many more problems than if we did what our intuition is screaming at us.

Therefore, it is important that we question all the beliefs that society has imposed on us or the fears that we may have about the rejection or disapproval of others.

We cannot continue to be nice in these circumstances. Well, sometimes we do a lot more damage.

The consequences of being kind

Being kind when choosing a partner has some consequences that we will illustrate below with some examples.

Juan was approached by a person in a nightclub. She was very interested in him, but he didn’t like it. Juan tried to be nice, too. So much so that the numbers were given and he agreed to contact that person. Never happened…

Maria met a possible partner online. At the time of meeting her, he noticed that there was no feeling. However, he did not say anything and they agreed to keep in touch online. Maria was never heard from again …

What happens in the two examples that we have given? That people who were trying to be nice practiced what is known today as ghosting. 

It is very important that we think about how we would like others to act with us. Not being clear and trying to look good can hurt the other person and be left with the question of “but what have I done wrong?” or “will you call me at the end?”

Nobody likes to be left in suspense. It is better to close the door if it is what we want and not to leave several open, something that could confuse others and hurt them. Have you ever been nice like this for not knowing how to say “no”?